Wednesday, November 24, 2010

I Miss My Old Life

I am constantly fighting demons. i miss my old life.

Joe and I divorced over a year ago. And the loss is bone-crushingly, heart-breakingly the end of the best part of my life.

People tell me, "You'll meet someone else." But right now, I don't want to. I want to stay in my little home and live with myself.

It's too hard, too gut-wrenching to put myself out there. I've done it a few times, and all I've gotten were more broken hearts. And my heart has taken all it can stand right now.

I miss having someone who loves me, who takes care of me, who makes me laugh, who will snuggle with me, and who understands me.

We built a life together and now it's gone.

We built our dream home where we planned to live out the rest of our lives, and now it's gone.

He's moved on and I tell myself I'm happy for him. But I'm also hurt. He gave me emotional security, a feeling that I was worth something, the illusion that I was beautiful, a sense of financial security, and the encouragement to carry on. Now all of it is gone.

We had very difficult times, but I suppose all marriages do. Why didn't I work harder at it? Why didn't he work harder at it?

I truly believe that the connection we had was a once in a lifetime event. But I...we...threw it all away like the previous 25 years did not matter.

My soul-mate, my best friend, my biggest supporter. And I believe if you ask him, he will say the same things about me.

When I just gave up on our marriage, I gave up on everything good in my life.

And I will never be able to recapture that again. How sad.

Like I've said before, it was like getting this beautiful gift from God and just throwing it back in his face.

As Sam solemnly and sincerely said to Diane on the sitcom "Cheers"... Have a good life.

Joe, you are truly one of the really good people on this earth. I was privileged to be a part of your life.


fx_wonder said...

Very sorry to hear that. 25 years is a long journey indeed, and the hurt must be great, but please don't say all good things in your life are gone. Your husband wasn't leave you just in order to make you painful,was he? Try to start a new life! :D
Please forgive me for my poor English, I hope there isn't any foolish mistake that may bother you. :-)

Travis Cody said...

Take time for yourself. Nobody moves easily out of 25 years with one person. Don't expect yourself to bounce right into a new phase of your life.

I'd say now is the time to go back and find those things that you enjoy, that make you happy, that make you unique. Those things are there. You just have to find them again.

Be well.

Dana said...

Aw, I'm sorry. You did go through a lot together and you won't get over it all in just a year. Give yourself time to breathe...and forgive yourself.

Anonymous said...

Thank you all so much for your thoughtful posts. One day at a time -- one day at a time...

I love you and and so thankful (appropriately) for your friendship.

CYau said...

Hi There,

I just happened to stumble upon your post and the pain you are going through caught my eye. I am very sorry that you're feeling so hurt. But please don't let it hold you down or it'll break you apart until nothing is left.

Be strong. You can make it through. Be active and pick up a hobby. If you already have something you enjoy doing, by all means jump right into it. I hope you feel better soon. Fight on!

Kolton's Mama said...

Im sorry to hear that your divorce has hurt you so much but granted 25 years is a long time to love someone and have it come to an end.

please remember to keep your head up even when things are hard and you will come through it!

find something you really enjoy and do it for you and no one else!
i wish you all the luck in the world!

Daynia said...

Theres a saying my grandma always use to tell me and it goes like this" some people are meant to be in your life forever and some are just meant to be in your life for a season, to lead you to your forever" so dont worry your forever is coming.

Anonymous said...

Hello. I was once in a relationship that lasted 14 years. It was a big lie. This person had everything wrong with them. But since I cared about them so much I gave into the lie. When you're in a relationship with someone you have to hold on to yourself. It's best to keep your eyes open. When they left not one, but two times. They left me feeling all wrinkle like a hurricane had passed by. The thing is that they tried to come back into my life a second time. I said nope. I felt strong enough to care more about myself than them. Take care of yourself now. It's time to move on. Refresh and rejuvenate. Stay positive.