Tuesday, September 11, 2007


So many of my friends here have suffered so much more heart ache than I have. So many have lost loved ones, seen a much loved family member or friend struggle with pain, watched and waited helplessly as someone dear to them gradually losses their memory, held their child's hand as they go though the sometimes painful process of growing up and moving on. I am lucky and blessed that my family and loved ones are well.

But yet my heart is breaking. I can actually feel it in my chest as it comes apart. It feels like someone has reached in and squeezed it so it is bruised and has cut it, not through and through, but just enough so that it is barely hanging together by a tiny, fragile thread.

My husband and I sold our house.

We put the house on the market in order to live in separate households when it sold. Now the reason for us living together is gone.

I miss him already. I cannot imagine sitting alone in another house knowing that he is not going to be calling me to let me know that he is running late or is on his way home.

I have always known that, no matter what is happening, he will always come home.

I miss hearing him sing funny songs to the dogs. I miss the smell of the house after he showers and gets dressed. I miss hearing him whistle in the morning. I miss hearing his voice on the phone asking me if I would like for him to pick me up something to eat on his way home. I miss getting daily hugs and being able to tell each other "I love you". I miss kissing him goodbye in the morning while he is still in bed. And each morning before I go to work, he tells me I look beautiful even though I don't feel beautiful. I miss him pointing out deer or turkeys or some other wild thing to me knowing that it makes me smile to see them. I miss him telling me about a new colt that was just born on a farm nearby so I can be sure to ride by and see it on it's wobbly legs. I miss knowing that, if I need to, I can sit with him in his big chair and he will put his arms around me. I miss him telling me "Thank You" for doing things that I should do willing anyway, like vacuuming the floors or washing his clothes or putting fresh sheets on his bed. I miss the notes he used to leave me where he drew pictures of an eye, a heart, and a ewe for I Love You.

He has done so much more for me than I have done for him. He has given me so much more than I have given to him.

Even though we have been walking separate paths the past several months, they have always run side-by-side. I always knew that if I looked over, I would see him there watching over me. Now our paths are widening apart and I know that if I look for him I will find him. But the comfort of his presence and love will no longer be within arms reach.

He is a good man.

I miss him already.

My heart is breaking.